Leave it to Haskell
by Dracostarfire84
Summary: What happens when you let "Eddie Haskell" do whatever wants, total chaos - well maybe not THAT but still a lot of bad stuff happens for everybody else. Mayfield is in for a RUDE awakening.
1. Ch 1 The Return of Eddie Haskell

The Return of Eddie Haskell… a sequel to "Eddie's Day"

It was May of 1963 and all of Mayfield was ablaze with the hustle and bustle of energetic High Schoolers; young adults who were entering their last days of childhood and stepping onto the main stage of the real world.

At the Haskell residence, Eddie was getting ready for the senior dance. Eddie wore clothes that looked nice for "Eddie", which would make anyone else look like a used car salesman. Eddie dipped a comb in a jar of water and tapped it on the rim three times before running it through his hair. "Perfect!" he mouthed looking at his reflection with a combination of lust and admiration.

"Edward, your friends are here!" Agnes Haskell hollered from downstairs.

"I'm on my way mother." Eddie said with faked politeness.

Eddie tossed his comb onto the dresser, and picked up his jacket before exiting his bedroom and descending the stairway, down into the foyer.

"Edward!" His mother gasp, "My you look so immaculate this evening."

"Thank you mother, I do try my best." Eddie replied insincerely.

A tall slender blond-mustached man entered the room. He wore a red house robe and placed a pipe in the corner of his mouth and stood by his wife Agnes for a moment, as if he were trying to look smart or something.

"George, doesn't our son look lovely this evening?" Agnes asked.

"Quite, quite!" George replied, smoking on his pipe.

"I'd better take my leave now mother and father, I wouldn't want to inconvenience my fellow chums who are waiting for me out on the doorstep." Eddie said with a big wide Cheshire cat grin.

"You go on then and have a good time with your friends." Agnes said encouragingly. With that said, Eddie kissed his mom on the cheek, shook his dad's hand, opened the front door and closed it behind him.

"Oh George, isn't he the most wonderful boy in the world?" Agnes sighed happily.

"I want a divorce." George said bluntly before storming off into the study and slamming shut the door, leaving Agnes standing in shock on the foyer.

While outside, Eddie finally exhaled and lashed out at his "friends", Wally and Lumpy.

"Boy just look at you two slobs, you'd think you were going to a tweed convention." Eddie chortled.

"Laugh it up Haskell!" Wally threatened.

"I'll have you know my mommy picked out this ensemble out for me!" Lumpy cried.

"Geez let's not lose our cool fellas!" Eddie warned the guys. "Okay soreheads, where to?" Eddie asked.

"My place Eddie, you know that!" Wally exclaimed.

"Aw why do we have to go there for Wall?" Eddie moaned.

"Because 'Ed', my brother's sick that's why." Wally replied.

"Tell me something I don't know!" Eddie snickered.

"Cut it out Haskell, It's important that I bring this dime-tap home for Beaver to use." Wally explained.

"Whatever you say, as long as it's 'important'!" Eddie mocked.

"It is!" Wally chided with a balled up fist.

"I'm hungry!" Lumpy groaned.

"Shut up fatso!" Exclaimed both Wally and Eddie.

"You're mean!" Lumpy cried, "I'm going home to my mommy!" Lumpy sobbed as he ran away crying.

"That's right," Eddie snickered. "Run to your momma fat boy!"

"Knock it off Eddie!" Wally scolded.

Later at the Cleaver residence, Beaver was screaming and crying and jumping up and down on the furniture.

"Beaver!" June scolded, "You stop that this instant!" Ward snickered as he read the sports section of the newspaper.

"What's so funny?" June asked.

"Oh nothing dear, certainly not you." Ward said with a wink and a foxy grin.

"Well can you at least keep 'your' son calm while you read paper so I can finish this cross-stitch?" June asked.

"June, honey." Ward sighed, "You know that I put in twelve hour work days down at the salt mine, and when I come home all that I want to do is read the paper and 'not' be reminded of the woes of marital life." Ward explained.

"Oh Ward!" June pleaded, Ward collapsed the newspaper and looked up at the Beaver, "Beaver!" he screamed, "That's enough! Now go to your room!" He hollered. The Beaver jumped down off the sofa and pouted all of the way upstairs.

"Thank you dear." June said, as she returned to her cross-stitching. "Actually hon, I probably should have dealt with him earlier." Ward said.

"You did fine dear." June smiled.

"After all, 'I' am the better parent." Ward admitted while returning attention to the newspaper. June gasped and slammed her cross-stitch onto the coffee table.

"Well I never!" She huffed. "Since you handled everything down here, I will be up in 'my' room!" June declared, obviously upset.

"Oh since you're going to the kitchen can you make me a sandwich while you're there?" Ward asked, not taking his eyes off of the newspaper.

June made a frustrated groan and went upstairs. After a few minutes of silence Ward looked up from the newspaper and called out to his wife, "The kitchen's downstairs remember? And don't forget about my sandwich!" He hollered.

Minutes later Wally and Eddie showed up at the stoop of the Cleaver Residence.

"Uh you'd better wait out here Eddie." Wally suggested.

"Why? Your folks 'love' me!" Eddie bragged in a poisonous tone.

"Love isn't exactly the word I'd use." Wally replied, rolling his eyes.

"Just hurry up so we can go to the dance already!" Eddie demanded.

Just then the front door swung open and June appeared on the porch,

"I thought I heard a rat; oh hello 'Eddie'." She said dismayed.

"Hello Mrs. Cleaver, you look 'immaculate' this evening." Eddie said with a wide, almost "_psychotic if it weren't Eddie Haskell grin_".

"Thanks Eddie," June said unenthused. "Wally, I made some sandwiches – would you like one?" June asked.

"No thanks mom, I'd better save it for the dance." Wally replied.

"That's okay Wally." June agreed.

"I'll take a sandwich Mrs. Cleaver, since you're offering." Eddie said.

"I didn't make 'that' many!" June answered Eddie.

Inside the house Beaver sat at the top of the stairs watching as Wally and Eddie entered the living room. _"That rat Eddie Haskell!"_ Beaver thought to himself, _"He's gonna pay for what he did to us!"_

"Why don't you boys sit down while I go and get Wally's corsage for Mary-Ellen out of the freezer." June said.

"Thanks mom!" Wally exclaimed.

"So you boys going to the big box social this evening?" Ward inquired, trying to sound "current" and "hip".

"Uh no dad, we don't call them that anymore." Wally corrected.

"I certainly hope you boys aren't going to be 'rocking out' to any of that 'rock and or roll', it is Satan music after all." Ward declared.

"Why not at all Mr. Cleaver sir, I made sure that tonight's selection of melodies were approved firsthand by the Mayfield –School Board. And as chairman of the 'Parent Student-Teacher Association', I can assure you that tonight's entertainment will be fun within limits." Eddie explained smugly.

"On second thought, go with the devil music." Ward said with a wink.

"Aw gee dad." Wally said with a slight chuckle.

Just then Beaver descended the stairs and approached the boys, and sat between them on the sofa.

"Well if it isn't Beaver, have we calmed down enough to behave ourselves in front of civilized company?" Ward asked. Beaver said nothing, but pouted with his arms folded across his chest.

"Why hello Theodore, how are you doing this fine evening?" Eddie asked in a sickeningly sweet tone. Beaver didn't answer. Instead he twisted his head around like an owl and stared at Eddie point blank "dead-eyed" for the better part of five minutes.

"Is something on your mind son?" Ward wondered, but Beaver said nothing and continued to stare holes into Eddie. Then Beaver reached out with a balled fist and punched Eddie directly in the crotch, just as June stepped in with a plate of sandwiches. Eddie, whose face was blue as a Smurf, was recoiling on the floor in pain and grasping his private region.

"Beaver!" June snapped, and laughed at the same time. "T-That's not very nice!" She said while laughing. She laughed so hard that she dropped the plate of sandwiches to the floor, she sat down in order to catch her breath from laughing too hard.

"June!" Ward snarled, "A man's jewels are no laughing matter!" He exclaimed angrily.

"Y-You're right dear." June said still laughing, "Beaver why did you hit poor Eddie like that?" she asked with a smirk as obvious as the sun.

"I saw a spider; a big hairy, eight-legged freak with big fangs running across Eddie's 'region'." Beaver lied.

"Well that settles it!" Ward said jetting to his feet and placing his hands firmly on Beaver's shoulders, "We're going out for ice cream!"

"Really dad?" Beaver wondered excitedly, "That's real swell!"

"Well it's not every day your son saves someone from a deadly, poisonous arachnid attack." Ward said with a wink.

"Oh my little boy is so brave!" June cried, clasping onto the Beaver. Hugging and kissing his forehead and cheek while bursting out in uncontrollable laughter every few moments.

"A gee whiz mom!" Wally moaned.

"Sorry Wally?" June asked.

"You're embarrassing me!" Wally answered.

"Oh sorry Wally, I guess your old mom and dad aren't 'hip' enough to 'roll with your posse'!" June exclaimed.

"Yea June, we're not 'street' enough, 'G'!" Ward said folding his arms like a "wannabe gangster".

"Well we don't want to 'dis ya' in front of your friend Wally, cos' we know you ain't down wit dat!" June said speaking jive.

"We be out!" Ward said, dropping the newspaper in front of Eddie like a battle rapper dropping his mic. But before leaving, Beaver, June, and Ward stopped, turned around and flashed an assortment of "gang signs" at Wally and Eddie.

"Peace, we gots ta bounce!" Ward said, putting his arm around June like a high school gangster guy.

"Oh Wally, the corsage is de-thawing on the counter. Don't forget it, 'G'!" June exclaimed before leaving.

Later, Eddie sat with bag of ice on his crotch and an uncomfortable look on his face.

"More ice for your crotch Eddie?" Wally asked.

"No thanks man, I already feel like an ice sculpture." Eddie replied.

"I'm really sorry Eddie, but you know – he hates you." Wally explained.

"What are you talking about?" Eddie asked. "Everyone 'loves' me!"

"Look Eddie, it sucks that it had to be you but it 'was' very funny!" Wally said laughing.

"Oh okay, laugh it up fuzzball!" Eddie snorted and threw the ice bag at Wally.

"Come on we got to get to the dance, Mary-Ellen's waiting for me!" Wally exclaimed. Then Wally paused for a moment, "Who are you taking to the dance Eddie?" he wondered.

"This real nice bird, her name's 'Trudy'." Eddie replied.

"Trudy?" Wally reiterated, "She doesn't go to our school does she?" He asked.

"Oh she does, she's a sophomore; the sweetest of the bunch!" Eddie said with a toxic cackle.

"Damn it Eddie!" Wally chided, "I thought you were past all of this 'kiddy crap'!" Wally shouted angrily.

"Hey I'm not eighteen am I?" Eddie retorted.

"No, but you may as well be the way you sullied your reputation with all of the senior girls!" Wally replied.

"Who cares, those dumb broads are about as appealing as a house fire!" Eddie exclaimed.

"Aw knock it off Eddie, we're gonna be late as it is 'without' your posturing!" Wally groaned irritated.


	2. Ch 2 Rayburn's Agenda

While the boys walked to the high school, June and Ward returned from getting ice cream with the Beaver.

"And that's when I saw the perfect chance to hit that goon where it hurts!" Beaver exclaimed proudly.

"Oh Beaver!" June sighed, "I never get tired of hearing about that story!"

"Tell it again!" Ward cried as he put the car in park and turned off the engine.

"Well…okay!" Beaver agreed happily.

Just then Agnes and George Haskell arrived on the Cleaver's doorstep. Ward, June and Beaver exited the car and approached the Haskells.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Ward wondered angrily as he licked his ice cream cone furiously.

"We're here for couple's therapy night." Agnes answered.

"Oh dear, Ward I put our house down for couple's night this week." June remembered. Ward let out a long and exasperated sigh,

"Do you see what happens when you let 'them' out of the kitchen son?" Ward said facing the Beaver, who was busy licking his ice cream cone. "You give them an inch, while albeit 'undeserved' an inch nonetheless and they take a mile!" Ward shook his head with dismay.

Meanwhile at the home of Mrs. Margaret Lynch (of Merril Lynch and associates), Margaret sat in a cozy green chair in front of the radio in the den. There was a light clamoring down some steps, and then her granddaughter 'Trudy' appeared in the den, wearing a beautiful pink dress.

"Trudy dear you look wonderful!" Margret exclaimed happily.

"Thanks grandma, I'm going to the dance with a real swell guy – he's a real gent!" Trudy explained excitedly.

"Oh really? Margaret questioned, "And does this 'swell guy' have a name?"

"It's 'Eddie Haskell'." Trudy replied with a smile.

"Eddie, Eddie Haskell…" Margaret repeated to herself as if lost in thought.

"Is something wrong grandma?" Trudy wondered. Margaret smiled and took her granddaughter's hand and tapped it happily,

"Nothing's the matter dear, you go on to that dance and have yourself a wonderful time." She said enthusiastically.

"I'll be sure to get some really keen pictures to bring home to you grandma!" Trudy happily promised.

"You just worry about having a good time dear." Margaret said with an endearing smile.

Meanwhile at Mayfield Grammar school (grades K-8), Principal Rayburn, Miss Canfield, and Miss Landers sat at a round table discussing current issues with the student body and the curriculum for next year.

"Men are the scum of the earth!" Mrs. Rayburn snarled, firmly gripping a black riding crop. "They should all be dragged out of their 'comfy beds', taken down to the wash, drowned, and then shot!" She exclaimed, "But not necessarily in that order." She added.

"Mrs. Rayburn…" Miss Landers started.

"Please child, call me 'Cornelia'." Rayburn said emphatically.

"Eh-Cornelia, I thought we were here to discuss the end of the term grade-point averages?" Miss Landers questioned. "Now I know several of my students will not make it to high school next year and as a teacher it concerns me…" she trailed off as Rayburn interrupted her.

"That's a really good story Miss Landers." Rayburn said, cutting Miss Landers off. "Canfield!" Raburn barked.

"Yes -Cornelia?" Miss Canfield jumped from her seat.

"What do you have for me?" Rayburn asked, pointing the riding crop directly at Miss Canfield.

"Uh-well…class averages for the end of the tear are up by…" Canfield trailed off when she noticed Miss Landers gesturing to her to 'drop it'. "I uh mean, boys are dumb and girls are smart." Canfield rectified.

"Excellent reconnaissance work Canfield!" Rayburn applauded. "Landers!" Rayburn shouted, pointing the riding crop at Miss Landers now, "You could learn a thing or two from Miss 'Cornfield' there!"

"It's 'Canfield'." Miss Canfield corrected.

"What?" Rayburn asked confused.

"You said 'Cornfield', but it is actually 'Canfield'." Miss Canfield hesitated nervously.

"Oh, okay-uh keep up the good detective work!" Rayburn applauded once more. "Flanders!" Rayburn shouted again.

"It's 'Landers' ma'am." Miss Landers politely corrected.

"There is a 'box social' of sorts taking place at the high school tonight." Rayburn stated.

"I don't think that's really what it is Mrs. Rayburn, ma'am." Miss Landers said.

"Your suggestion is noted Miss Landers…" Rayburn said sternly.

"Thank you ma'am." Replied Miss Landers.

"But regardless of the name, there are going to be sweet, innocent, vulnerable little girls dancing at the mercy of-of men!" Rayburn screamed as she angrily slammed the crop down onto the table.

"I'm sure there will be chaperones in attendance, I'm sure of it!" Miss Canfield assured.

"That's not the point Canfield, rather the point is-the 'MALE' chaperone-'pigs' will be there, drooling, oozing, gurgling and groping those little girls!" Rayburn screamed passionately.

"Well-Mrs. Rayburn ma'am, what should 'we' do about it?" Miss Landers wondered.

"I'm glad you asked me that Landers!" Rayburn said sternly, cocking her head at Landers like an owl, "We're going to crash that 'party' and prevent any and all forms of male indecency from occurring!"

"Oh Mrs. Rayburn…" Miss Landers said.

"Cornelia!" Rayburn snapped.

"C-Cornelia, I don't think anything will get out of hand like that." Miss Landers insisted.

"Of course you don't Landers, because you're a 'hippie'!" Rayburn accused with a scowl, "You're both hippies! That's the problem with teachers today, acting as though they can get through to the students by playing up to the men!" Rayburn preached angrily.

"Mrs. Rayburn, honestly!" Miss Landers protested.

"SILENCE HIPPIE!" Rayburn screeched, "I doth think that thou doth protest too much." Rayburn said, gripping the riding firmly with both hands.

"But Mrs. Rayburn, really-we have no intention of playing favorites." Miss Canfield argued.

"Of course not, that's what they all say-but after taking 'my' re-education course, you will finally understand!" Rayburn said menacingly, as she locked the door, flipped the light switch off, and flipped on a projector movie slide-show.

"Oh dear!" Exclaimed Miss Landers as she sank deeper into her seat.

Meanwhile Eddie and Wally were on their way to the dance when Eddie thought of something.

"Hey Wally," Eddie exclaimed. "Why don't we rent a car, the 'chicks' will really dig us if we show up with wheels!" He proclaimed like a weasel.

"Don't be goofy Eddie, where in 'Sam Hill' are we going to get a car?" Wally questioned. Eddie thought for a moment before speaking,

"The Hotel Mayfield has a rental center; we can get one there-just for the night!" Eddie explained.

"Are you crazy Eddie?" Wally inquired, "You must have really lost it to cook up such a wacko scheme like this!" Wally declared. "And just 'how' are we supposed to pay for this car?" Wally indulged Eddie.

"Don't get so glib Cleaver, I've got it covered!" Eddie hollered, reaching into his pants pocket and retrieving a plastic credit card.

"Hey is that what I think it is?" Wally wondered.

"Hey daddy-o it can be whatever you want it to be; ice cream, toys, guns, clothes, furs, girls, cars, the works!" Eddie clamored.

"Alright where'd you score that card from, and don't be a wiseguy about it either!" Wally demanded.

"All right, all right don't blow your top!" Eddied said backing away, "I got it from my old man!" Eddie explained.

"Eddie you doofus!" Wally groaned, "Now we have to go back and return it!" Wally shouted as he tried snatching the plastic card away from Eddie.

"Whoa easy buddy, this ain't yours!" Eddie yelled like an angry chicken-hawk.

"Fine Eddie, keep it!" Wally snapped, "But keep 'me' out of it!" Wally yelled back angrily.

"Sheesh you'd think I'd stolen from your mother or something!" Eddie observed.


	3. Ch 3 Couple's Night at Ward's

Meanwhile at the Cleaver's house, Ward and June sat beside each other on the sofa in the den across from the Haskells, the Mondellos, and the Rutherfords.

"So…who's for tea?" June asked the room.

"I could use a cup!" Mrs. Rutherford squawked, raising her hand.

Ward lit a cigarette, got up and approached the record player. He put on a twelve inch vinyl of Santo and Johnny's "_Sleepwalk". _

"This is really relaxing!" Fred Rutherford exclaimed, "Really, very relaxing indeed!"

"This is the part where you tell the spaceman all about your problems, you square-monkey!" Ward blurted aloud.

"W-What was that?" Margaret Mondello muttered.

"There aren't enough chairs!" Ward suddenly noticed and screamed in a panicked tone before pulling at his hair.

"I'm sorry, but what are you going on about?" Mrs. Mondello asked.

"June, honey!" Ward screamed. "There are not enough chairs in here!" June stepped in from the kitchen and stood in the entryway to the den,

"What's that dear?" She wondered.

"The chairs June-there's not enough of them!" Ward shouted angrily.

"Hmm maybe you're right." June admitted.

"You see? Of course I am!" Ward declared, "The 'fat kid's' parents barely fit on the ones we lent to them!" Ward screamed. The Mondellos both gasped and abruptly stood up,

"That 'fat kid' is our son!" Mrs. Mondello screeched, "And for your information, your son 'Theodore', smokes!" She sobbed as she fled from the house with her husband. June took a bite of a cookie and stared blankly at Ward,

"Beaver was smoking?" She questioned.

"Our son is…'cool'?" Ward wondered happily to himself, tears beginning to stream from his eyes down his cheeks. The Haskells looked on in disgust as the Rutherfords looked on in confusion.

"Beaver-Beav come down here at once!" Ward cried frantically.

"Oh Ward, let's get Beaver some presents." June suggested.

"Sorry guys, our son is just 'too cool' for your lame kids." Ward blurted giddily, much to the dismay of the Haskells, and especially the Rutherfords.

"Ward I have to put my foot down!" Fred Rutherford declared.

"What is it 'square'?" Ward asked, making the shape of a square with his fingers and thumbs.

"This 'menagerie' of 'buffoonery' has gone on long enough!" Fred exclaimed, "Now you've insulted the Mondellos and made them leave, even though we never really liked them anyway-but now you're insulting 'us'!" Fred exclaimed upset.

"Gee Fred it's not every day you find out that your kid is cooler than you are!" Ward informed Fred.

"Well it just so happens that my 'Clarence' was suspended for selling 'reefer' in the boy's locker room!" Fred exclaimed.

"Oh really?" Ward inquired doubtfully.

"Yes really!" Fred said as a matter of factly. Ward stared Mr. Rutherford down for several minutes, saying nothing. The record had begun to skip at this point, and was clearly upsetting the Haskells, who sat patiently-albeit frustrated and silent.

"Can I get that tea?" Gwen asked.

"Gwen not now, the 'men' are talking!" Fred snapped. Ward scoffed and went to adjust the record.

"I expected this kind of behavior from 'June'; heck maybe from any woman because-well, they don't know any better!" Fred exclaimed, "But you Ward, you were a surprise-we worked at that 'salt mine' everyday for the past twenty years!" Fred added. Ward stopped in his tracks and faced Fred,

"You're just jealous because your son didn't get caught smoking reefer, only selling it!" Ward hissed like a snake.

"Ward, I am deeply hurt by these words that you spout and I think that I'd better go now!" Fred exclaimed hurt.

"Wait Fred!" Ward hollered, "Don't go!" Ward cried, reaching out and placing a hand on Fred's shoulder. "Don't go man, don't go-don't feed me to the 'harpies' man!" Ward whispered loud enough for the women to hear and take offense. Fred staggered and looked Ward over and then at his own wife, Gwendolyn-who was draped in a luxurious mink fur and was apparently ready to go home.

"You've changed bro-man!" Fred said disappointed, "You've changed!" Fred said pointing a finger at Ward, who shook his head and waved his hands dismissively.

"Nah-it's the women man-they're bleeding me dry, like-like a thing that sucks blood." Ward explained.

"A leech?" Fred implied.

"Yea man like a leech!" Ward cried, "They're all leeches!" Ward shouted.

"Yea!" cried George Haskell in agreement. "Sit down George!" Agnes snapped, but George took one look at her and scoffed,

"Get yourself stuffed you jive turkey, 'Thanksgiving' is not for another year!" George exclaimed.

"This is getting just a little ridiculous!" Gwen Rutherford chided the men angrily.

"And you're a little-a lotta 'FAT'!" Ward bellowed in response. Gwen gasped and glared at Fred,

"He got you there honey!" Fred exclaimed, high-fiving Ward. George, Ward, and Fred looked at each other then the women, then back at each other.

"Should we?" Ward asked.

"Lock up the 'bikes' for the evening?" Fred implied.

"Good idea!" George exclaimed excitedly.

An hour later, after having successfully lured the women down into the basement-cellar, Ward locked and bolted the door and the guys turned on every light in the house and the volume all the way up on the record player. They stood out on the roof singing _"I only have eyes for you"_, and each guy pretended to be Frank Sinatra.

Meanwhile in the basement, June began organizing a box of old magazines while Gwen looked on in disgust.

"George told me that he wants a divorce!" Agnes Haskell muttered tearfully.

"That's nice dear." June said as she read a gardening magazine.

"Does Ward usually do this kind of thing?" Gwen asked.

"No not usually," June said. "Usually he has one drink too many and I wind up wearing sunglasses at the supermarket." June answered. Gwendolyn gasped,

"My god June, that's terrible!"

"I know the florescent lighting in that store is so obnoxious it's grating." June replied, "It really is poor for your complexion, and not to mention your eyes." She added.

"So you mean he doesn't hit you?" Gwen asked.

"Oh heaven's no!" June exclaimed, "I would never joke about a thing like that, just look at poor Agnes over there." June explained.

Just then a remix of _"Sleepwalk"_ by Santo and Johnny blared on the subsystem and rocked throughout the house.

"Ah they're almost done now." June said with a smile.

"How do you know?" Gwen wondered.

"Ward always ends the night with the 'Oakenfold extended mix'." June answered.

"So this means we can go home now?" Agnes asked hopeful.

"No-not tonight, I'm afraid we're den sisters for the night." June proclaimed with a sigh.

"What!?" Gwen exclaimed angrily, "T-This is ridiculous. This childish display has gone on long enough!" Gwen cried.

"Sheesh girl, chill out!" June scoffed.


	4. Ch 4 Owner of a Broken Arm

Meanwhile up in Beaver's room, he and Richard Rickover were going through baseball cards and talking about nothing in particular.

"Hey Beav, what do you think Wally's doing at that dance tonight?" Richie asked.

"Gee I dunno Richie, dancing I guess." Beaver assumed.

"You mean with an actual girl, like holding hands and stuff?" Richie implied.

"Yea I know, it makes me wanna puke too!" Beaver added.

"Hey I just got an idea!" Richie declared.

"What is it?" Beaver wondered.

"What if we go to that dance and see what all of the fuss is about?" Richie suggested.

"You mean we should 'crash' the senior dance?" Beaver questioned.

"Sure Beav, why not?" Richie replied.

"Hmm, I guess it could be fun." Beaver assumed.

"Of course it will, we'll get to make fun of that dopey brother of yours!" Richie insisted.

"Yea, you're right Richie-it will be fun!" Beaver agreed, "Way fun!" He added.

"We'll have to sneak out through the bedroom window so my dad doesn't catch us." Beaver instructed.

"What's he doing anyway?" Richie inquired.

"Ah he's doing 'Sinatra' with the other adults." Beaver replied.

"Grown-ups sure are weird." Richie observed.

"You got that right." Beaver agreed. "Let's hurry or we're gonna miss it!" He added.

Beaver pushed open the window and climbed out one foot at a time. He paused, then froze up completely when he saw the ground from the bedroom window.  
"Hey Richie…"

"Yea Beav?" Richie answered.

"I don't think this is such a good idea after all." Beaver admitted.

"Oh come on, don't be such a baby!" Richie teased, giving Beaver a small 'encouraging' push.

"I am NOT a 'baby'!" Beaver argued, losing his balance and tumbling backwards off of the awning and onto the ground below. Richie stuck his head out of the window and peered down at Beaver who appeared to be alive, but twitched like a recently squashed bug.

"Hey Beav, you okay?" Richie asked.

"My arm, I think it's broken Richie!" Beaver cried.

"Just hang in there, we'll see the school nurse at the dance!" Richie exclaimed as he crawled out the window and carefully scaled down the side of the house using the rain gutter for support.

"OW my arm!" Beaver screamed, "YOU broke it!" He accused.

"No Beav, you're the one who fell remember?" Richie corrected him, "We'd better hurry if we want to make it to the dance!"

"Oh yea!" Beaver groaned as he staggered, trying to get to his feet.

Meanwhile at a McDonald's, Wally and Eddie sat at a booth while they waited to be served.

"Gee Eddie, should I get Mary-Ellen something too?" Wally wondered.

"Get her a 'happy meal' and she'll smile like a million bucks!" Eddie guaranteed.

The waitress, 'Cindy Andrews' strolled up to the guy's booth in her roller skates and greeted them with a smile.

"What will it be guys?" She asked with a smile.

"One happy meal to go, please!" Wally hesitated.

"No dummy that's not it!" Eddie chided.

"What?" Wally replied.

"What about 'our' food?" Eddie asked.

"Sorry." Wally Apologized, "Three happy meals to go please!" Wally ordered.

"Coming right up 'cutie pie'!" She said with a giggle as she rolled away, back to the counter on her skates.

Eddie sat there drumming the table with his fingers and shaking his head,

"What's up doc?" He inquired.

"Huh?"

"What's wrong with you?" Eddie asked.

"Sorry Eddie. It's just this whole thing with Mary-Ellen, it's gotten me all nervous and junk." Wally explained.

"I dated her you know." Eddie said with a wink and a sleazy grin.

"Get out!" Wally snarled, "You better not have!" He threatened Eddie with a balled up fist and an evil glint in his eye.

"Not 'her', HER!" Eddie said motioning to Cindy the waitress.

"Oh yeah, well so has everyone else in the senior class, and then some!" Wally exclaimed relieved.

"Even you?" Eddie wondered. Wally kept quietly to himself and twiddled his thumbs while looking around the restaurant.

"Why you rat!" Eddie screamed, reaching across the table with arms outstretched and opened hands ready to strangle, "You cheating son of a…"

"Here are your happy meals boys." Said a bald older man dryly, in a nice black suit, it was the manager of the McDonalds.

"You son of a nice person you are Wallace." Eddie cooed as he patted Wally's shoulder and pretended to swipe dust off of it.

"Cut it out Eddie!" Wally threatened with a giggle.

"Can you boys take your monkeyshines somewhere else; we don't normally have 'your kind' of customers in this establishment anyway." asked the manager.

"Yes sir." said Wally. "We were just on our way out." He added.

As the boys departed from the booth together and approached the door, the older manager waved to them,

"You boys have fun now, you hear?" He said with a big wink and creepy wide joker-like grin.

Eddie and Wally walked and ate their baby cheeseburgers and French fries and talked about hot 'TV moms'.

"So who do you think is hot?" Wally asked Eddie.

"Laura Petrie." Eddie said immediately.

"Don't you mean 'Mary Tyler Moore'?" Wally corrected.

"No, Laura Petrie – you asked me which 'TV mom' I thought was hot, not which 'TV actress' was hot." Eddie replied.

"Alright, whatever!" Wally scoffed.

"What about you, who do you have the hots for?" Eddie asked, rubbing his elbow against Wally's and making cartoon wolf noises.

"Uh gee I don't know, 'Lucy Ricardo' I guess?" Wally guessed.

"What you 'guess' you like redheads?" Eddie snickered.

"Okay, okay I love redheads, and I think Lucy is the bomb!" Wally admitted.

"Atta boy!" Eddied applauded, "See? Wasn't hard to admit was it?" Eddie said with a rooster-like cawing laugh.

"Okay Haskell, cut it out before I slug you!" Wally threatened.


	5. Ch 5 Some like it Weird

Beaver and Richard walked down the sidewalk along the way to Mayfield High School, and out of nowhere a flashmob of young girls surrounded them.

"Heay Beav." Said Richie.

"Yea Richie?" Beaver replied.

"There sure are a lot of girls standing around." Richie pointed out.

"I hope they're just selling us girl scout cookies." Beaver prayed with his broken arm.

Then from out of the center of the mob of girls stood Penny Woods, the blonde-haired obnoxious girl from Beaver's class.

"Mornin' witch!" Beaver greeted Penny with a sneer.

"Shut up Cleaver!" Penny demanded.

"Are you gonna sell us cookies, because we don't have any money!" Richie confessed.

"Stuff it Rickover!" Penny ordered, "This concerns 'Beaver' and I!"

"So what do you want anyway?" Beaver asked. Penny smirked,

"I'm glad you asked me that Beaver," Penny said as she goose-stepped around the boys. "There's going to be a box social at the high school tonight and I'm going!" Penny declared,

"Oh they don't call 'em that anymore!" Richie corrected.

"Big deal, who cares if you're going?" Beaver cried indifferently.

"The big deal is that I am a lonely, vulnerable, little girl in need of an escort to the dance." Penny lied. Beaver glared at Penny and then shared a look of disgust with Richie.

"Yuck!" Cried Beaver, "You crazy witch, why would I want to take you to the dance?" Beaver said with a sneer.

"Because I said so!" Penny demanded.

"No deal Penny!" Beaver retorted, "Let's go Richie!" But just as the boys tried leaving, the girls blocked their way and Penny stepped in front of Beaver, staring him down all seriously.

"Get lost Penny, I don't want to dance with an ugly kook like you!" Beaver blurted. Without uttering a single word, Penny brandished a switchblade and quickly activated the blade mechanism.

"Who said I was 'asking' you to take me?" Penny inquired, holding the blade in front of Beaver.

"On second thought dancing with you sounds like an 'immaculate' idea!" Beaver lied, ala Eddie Haskell.

"Thought so." Penny said, "Now take me to that dance, and act like a 'gentleman'!" Penny demanded, releasing the switchblade.

Later that evening, at the Cleaver Residence Ward, Fred, and George sat around the den looking disheveled and bored from an impromptu wrestling match in the backyard.

"Gee I wonder what the boys are doing at the dance?" Ward wondered, depressed.

"Probably dancing…with girls." Fred assumed.

"Yea!" Ward agreed, "And they're probably scoring all of the babes too!" Ward exclaimed jealously.

"What are you suggesting we ought to do?" George asked.

"We will go to that party and crash it…like 'men' do!" Ward proclaimed.

"That's a swell idea Cleaver!" Fred applauded, "But how do we get in?" he added.

"What do you mean 'Freddie'?" Ward asked.

"We're neither students or graduating seniors!" Fred replied. Ward thought hard for a moment,

"We 'were' students once!" he stated angrily, "And we 'did' graduate!" Ward yelled passionately.

"That's right we did!" George agreed like a "yes man".

"If anything, 'we' deserve to go to that dance more than 'they' do because we graduated longer ago!" Ward declared impassioned.

"By Jove!" Fred exclaimed proudly, "You're a genius Ward!"

"I try Fred, I certainly try!" Ward said smugly. "Now first thing is first, we need to go upstairs to change clothes!" Ward explained.

"What do we need to change our clothes for?" Fred wondered.

"For the disguises!" Ward answered.

"What do we need disguises for?" George asked.

"So we can dress up in women's clothing to sneak into the party!" Ward explained.

"My god you're brilliant!" Fred declared excitedly.

"Good idea Ward!" George cheered excitedly.

The three grown men hurried up the stairs and into the master bedroom (Ward and June's room) and immediately began rifling through June's personal effects and belongings.

"Let the 'Easter Egg hunt' begin!" Ward proclaimed.

"Oh my I found a bustier!" George exclaimed giddily.

"I found some nylons!" Fred squealed with delight.

"I found a slip!" Ward chirped happily.

"Let's hurry and get changed!" Ward exclaimed, "And remember girls; no peeking!" He said with a girly giggle.

Later at the dance, Mary-Ellen Rogers waited for Wally to show up near the punch bowl. Christine Staples wandered over next to Mary Ellen,

"Hi Mary!"  
"Oh, hi Christine." Mary replied.

"Where's Wally?" Christine wondered insincerely.

"He's not here yet." Mary Ellen replied.

"Oh gee, that's too bad for you!" Christine snickered, "Toodles!" she laughed as she goose-stooped away.

"Bitch!" Mary Ellen cursed under her breath.

On the far side of the school, specifically in the air ducts; Mrs. Rayburn was crawling around like an incognito army officer. She was decked out in a red and black flannel uniform and had styled her hair into a mullet and wore a red bandanna.

"Hotcakes, come in hotcakes!" She barked over the walkie-talkie, "Can you read me hotcakes, this is 'Hot Momma Scrumptious'!"

Meanwhile in the far corner of the gymnasium, Miss Canfield took surveillance while disguised as a 'ficus'.

"Hotcakes, come in hotcakes!" Rayburn squawked over the walkie-talkie. Canfield took the walkie-talkie and spoke into it,

"Hotcakes here!"

"What is your location?" Rayburn asked.

"You know where I am!" Canfield protested, not wanting to draw any more attention to herself.

"WHAT IS YOUR LOCATION!?" Rayburn screamed into the walkie-talkie.

"I'm in the gymnasium, far left corner; near the coat racks." Canfield replied with a sigh. Just then a couple of seniors and their dates approached Miss Canfield whom they assumed was a decorative coat rack.

"Oh good a place for our coats!" Exclaimed one of the guys as he tossed his jacket onto Miss Canfield's head, with the others following suite.

Rayburn still crawling around up in the air ducts, barked into the walkie-talkie again;

"Afternoon delight, come in afternoon delight!" She howled. Miss Landers took hold of her walkie-talkie and responded discreetly,

"A-Afternoon delight here!" Landers replied.

"What are you wearing?" Rayburn inquired.

"What am I wearing?" Landers reiterated confused.

"Yes, now tell me!" Rayburn screamed.

"Uh-well I'm dressed like a nurse!" Landers replied nervously.

"What is your position?" Rayburn squawked.

"Uh-by the punch bowl?" Landers replied unsure of herself, "There's a lot of kids dancing around me, and I'm pretty sure I was groped."

"Name the culprit, I'll castrate him myself!" Rayburn screeched angrily.

"Never mind that, what am I supposed to be looking for?" Landers wondered.

"Looking?" Rayburn replied.

"Yes Cornelia, 'looking' the reason why I'm here!" Landers exclaimed.

"KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN LANDERS!" Rayburn screamed, "AND USE THE CODE NAMES LEST YOU WANT TO BLOW OUR COVER!" Rayburn angrily screeched again.

"I'm sorry, 'hot momma scrumptious'!" Landers replied.

"That's better!" Rayburn said, "Now you're to be looking out for the pigs." Rayburn explained, "In order to exploit them!" Rayburn screamed emphatically. Just then a concerned looking senior boy approached Miss Landers, with his hand on the zipper of his pants. Miss Landers glared at him,

"Jimmy!" She shouted, "If you show me that infection one more time I'm just going to have amputate it!" She hollered angrily, causing the boy to run off crying.

"You upset the pig!" Rayburn squawked over the walkie-talkie, "Maybe there is hope for you after all."

Minutes later, Ward, Fred, and George arrived at Mayfield High and approached the gymnasium doors to enter into the dance. The men arrived wearing high heeled shoes and wore June's dresses and full makeup and sported colored wigs with matching clutch handbags.

"Excuse me, sir I don't think you can go in there." An usher said preventing the men from entering the dance.

"Sir?" Ward reiterated confused, "We're all girls here!" He exclaimed in a falsetto, throwing his mink fur over his shoulder and batting his fake eyelashes.

"Are you chaperones for the dance?" asked the usher.

"Chaperones?" Fred questioned in a high-pitched voice, "What a silly thing to ask we're here to meet our dates!" Fred added.

"Yes, we're going to be the belles of the ball!" George exclaimed excitedly. The usher looked the three transvestites over cautiously, eying each one before motioning to have them pulled away.

"Wait there's my date over there!" Ward squealed effeminately, pointing to Clarence "Lumpy" Rutherford who was already inside the dance. "Oh Clarence, honey it's me your 'date'!" Ward exclaimed, waving his clutch in the air and blowing kisses to him.

"Alright move aside buddy!" growled the usher impatiently.

"B-but he's our ride!" Fred exclaimed upset, "Clarence, do something!" He squealed, tossing a pigtail.

"This is sexual harassment!" Ward screamed effeminately, "My friend's a lawyer, we'll sue!" He added.

Eddie and Wally arrived at the Mayfield Hotel, the building was enormous and must have been at least six stories tall. The sidewalk looked so clean and shiny that it could have been gold, and the local prostitutes smiled and winked politely as various passersby refused their services.

"Hey Wally, check out those dames over there!" Eddie said with a wide grin.

"Thanks but no thanks Eddie." Wally replied, "You saw the video in health class!" Wally exclaimed.

"Ah you're such a baby Wally!" Eddie jeered. Just then the sidewalk cracked and the earth shook as an extremely rotund, globe-shaped hooker approached the boys.

"Hi boys!" She said in a deep voice.

"Hi…" The boys replied.

"You boys like to have 'fun'?" The prostitute asked.

"Oh sure we like to have all kinds of fun, don't we Wally?" Eddie said sarcastically. The fat prostitute eyed the boys up and down before reaching into her hot pink angora sweater and revealing a pack of cigarettes.

"You boys smoke?" She asked.

"Uh no thank you ma'am." Wally politely declined.

"I'll take one!" Eddie exclaimed, Wally glared at him in shock. "You gotta live a little man, this is America we live in not 'China'!" Eddie cried out passionately, much to the hooker's amusement.

The hooker laughed and blew out some smoke,

"That's pretty good kid, I like the way you think!" She proclaimed, "What's your name junior?"

"It's Eddie!" He replied, "What's your name, 'beautiful'?" he asked mockingly.

"It's Viola." She said with a smoker's rasp.

"Viola; such a pretty name for a pretty girl, don't you agree Wallace?" Eddie snickered.

"Cut it out Eddie," Wally threatened. "You know you can get 'VD' just by looking at those skanks, not mention breathing the same air!" Wally chided.

"Who asked you?" Eddie retorted, "Besides you're not my conscious, so just hop along now Jiminy Cricket and let the grown ups play!"

"Gosh darn it Eddie!" Wally cursed, "I'm getting just a little tired of your antics!"

"Whatever Cleaver, you're not my mother!" Eddie sassed, "Why don't you go and sit on an egg somewhere!" Eddie hissed angrily.

Wally looked Eddie over with disgust before turning and walking away,

"That's it, run home to your momma!" Eddie snickered and the fat whore giggled in amusement. "You big baby!" Eddie jeered triumphantly.

Later at the Cleaver Residence, June, Gwen, and Agnes were still locked up in the basement and had nothing relevant to contribute to the story.

Meanwhile at the school dance, Ward, Fred, and George had somehow managed to sneak into the gymnasium without being noticed by the usher.

"That was a close one girls!" Ward exclaimed in a girly voice.

"We already had one shave this evening!" Fred noted in a falsetto.

"How do I look 'Frederique' dear?" Ward asked Fred in a high-pitched voice.

"You look simply ravishing 'Wardette' darling!" Fred replied in a feminine tone.

"How about me guys?" George asked, fluttering his fake eyelashes.

"Oh 'Georgia', they're no guys here just us girls!" Ward said with an effeminate giggle.

"Come on girls, let's dance!" Frederique squealed as 'she' played with her pigtails.

"Okey-dokey, hokey-pokey!" Wardette said, flipping her gorgeous long lochs over her shoulder.

"Last one to the dance floor is a rotten egg!" Georgia cried playfully.

The three 'girls' danced away on the dance floor, making much of the student body jealous and the chaperones suspicious.

"Who are those homely looking 'girls' over there on the dance floor?" Mrs. Lynch asked Mr. Foster.

"I don't know, but they're without a doubt the ugliest bunch I've ever seen." Mr. Foster exclaimed.

"Hmm." Mrs. Lynch hummed as she stroked her chin auspiciously.


End file.
